Jtales

The time which distinguishes the night from the day , the same time predicted the safety of my gender. Over the period of time , days more than the sun rays became more significant for safety.  Days became appropriate and nights became so inappropriate. Days became the right time for a women, nights became the wrong time. Nights became darkness all over , in my life this darkness ruled. Wish the  goddess of night the moon, could walk me back in midst of all this darkness and keep me safe. My gender became my weakness , rather than my strength. Within these time zones laid a soul inside a female body who wanted to know how the night smells like.

In the colourful world , All I  could see was  black and grey, Tried mixing colours, but the monochromatic colour showcased my emotions the best. I wish I could enjoy the beauty around , But I remained as a woman of sight  yet blind  . Lost of time, wandering in the thoughts tried saving myself and time, but nothing worked.   warnings sounding harder," don't waste time".  I didn't know if I was wasting time, or saving myself from being wasted. "No time" has become my phrase , not that I'm busy ,But that's how I escape. Be bright and shine, thats how i hid that agony which controlled my heart. But my face did not know how to  shine , for it has forgotten how to do so. Nothing bright , everything just dull. I wish I could colour it , but I knew no colour apart from grey that's how much my emotions matched. I couldn't find a reason to be happy cause every happy face had a depression that was killing them . hiding the

I didn't know what it's like to be committed happily ,unless I started loving myself and considering myself as my priority. I didn't know what a beautiful vow it is to be committed, until I vowed to myself that I will forever be true to myself. I didn't know the beauty behind a relationship, until I realised never lower your standards nor treat yourself without respect . I didn't know how amazing it is to grow each day by not changing an inch of me to be accepted by another. I didn't know what love really meant, until I began to love myself . The greatest commitment each of us should take is to stay committed to self.

Coming from a family where my ancestors were teachers, I couldn't deny the fact that my blood somewhere boils to become a teacher. But nobody taught me, what exactly  is a responsibility of a teacher . Is it to look into a book and teach them what is written there? Is it  to teach them how to live in a society? Or  do we teach them how to live their dreams? I really didn't know! I really don't know ,what it's like to be a teacher. As a part of my field work, I was told to teach 1st standard kids  poems written in their text  book. I looked at those tiny tots who were so lost in colouring their dreams . I had no other go but to disturb them, and teach them what the book said. little do I know whether the kids  want it. I started asking them their names, I could sense excitement , then they sang rhymes they knew byheart . I didn't know what exactly to do. For instance I thought I was a bad teacher and I shouldn't let my blood boil any more for the prof

I Walked into a new place, with a smile on my face and with an attitude of service . But every step i took i could sense the cultural difference , I heard languages I didn't follow from everyone around me , I knew there was only one thing common between them and me that was our difference . I felt like a fish out of water for a  while. I wondered ,if I could be of  any source of help, cause I spoke another language, I practised another culture . Did everything entirely different from them. All I knew I wanted was to be of some source of help, but i thought I will not be able to, cause my difference controlled me,that's when I realised if you really wanna help another you will be able to help,  nothing! absolutely nothing! will stop you from spreading the joy you have ,with another.

Some days she couldn't really figure out what was wrong where. But she knew, that something was wrong somewhere . She blamed herself for the wrong, she didn't know about ,but her inside kept hammering  she was wrong. She didn't know whether she was living or just existing. She felt guilty of everything her past gave her, like the irregular rains it showered upon her. She could do nothing apart from weeping till she shed that last tear drop. She felt low didn't know whether to blame the climate , herself or others for what she was going through. She canceled all her meets and made her loneliness her company. Some days everything just floods back to remind her . There are days in her life she feels like she is living dead. Trust me it's not just her but everyone lives days of living dead. 

I stood lost at the door step of the world,  the world which everyone warned me about. The world which everyone scared me about. The same world where battles and wars were louder than comforts and love. The  world where everyone held more zeal in killing another than giving life. The world which everyone said is at fault. The picture of the world everyone gave me just filled in me fear , hate and worry. Until I realised,the world is not what you hear ,but what you experience . The world to you is how you chose to create it The world which everyone is talking about was the same world everyone was killing. Now world for me is what is out there to be explored and felt.

"How was your day ?" I could fake it all, and say it was amazing , But deep inside there were tears I tried to conseal, smiles which was everywhere except on my face, joy always at the shore and not within. Peace of mind which was questionable and never at peace rather at war. Days when nothing goes right and everything is just wrong. Positivity is beyond reach cause my heart just chooses to be negative . In reality some of my days are just miserable and not because something happened , feeling miserable for no reason . I would be a liar if I said I have bright sunny days everyday cause some days it's just cloudy and rainy. I just wanted to say it's okay to have rainy days but remember sun is needed.

Everyone out there is born naked, over the days  their body gets dressed, over the years their minds get decorated , eventually their  behaviours become censored. While we were born we come empty but the society writes an instruction book for  each one according to their gender, caste,class etc. We are filled , filled with comments , over flowing with critisms, blocked of the world beyond the words of the society. Let's empty whatever the society filled us with, let's be empty and refill ourselves with goodness and love.

Longing to meet ever since the first chat got over , where she felt a deep connection . However months past by, conversation getting finer and exciting, as these chats were progressing they finally decided to meet. She wanted to meet him, but kept numb about her wish, cause she wanted him to make the  first move. Because she didn't believe in the policy ladies first( atleast not in asking a man out) and she didn't want to seem desperate( she definitely was). But she was contemplating in her mind, whether she was just overthinking about, Liking conversations with him to be connections . All of a sudden her phone beeps , Like the old adage , speak of the devil and he appears. Yes it was him, at last a notification from him , which Says,  " hey there, can we meet over a cup of tea" She didn't take much to reply , "hey ofcourse, I would love to, I don't mind it being two or more cups of tea." He - " hahaha . So tomorrow " She -Sur

The past haunts me , By helping me recollect everything I choose to forget. It's being so ruthless, by not showing me any sympathy. Like a cruel villian it follows me . Memories playing it's part and pasts contributing, my future lying there dreaming big about the tomorrows, being unknown about the past . I don't want my past to last, if you are going to kill me . I want my past to not be a grave to my future , rather be a life that lifts me up and says you made it . History is fun unless it's mine. I would be proud enough to share how much my past has made me grow only if it would motivate the listener . "Correct your past before it lasts forever ". -jtales